maybe i just want an easy life

親愛的大家

請期待我的歸來

離上次寫網誌已經有一年了吧
媽媽回去了
賴嘎跟黑星來玩
其實是來考試跟做飯給我吃

生活忙碌依舊啊
樂團室內樂音樂會主修等等
右邊肩膀非常疼痛硬練
還好春假有好好休息
跟我的ｇａｙ好友們去了南卡的海邊
又變成黑人

大家知道我是沒有在介意的

回來之後開始忙碌
春假後第一堂長笛課亂吹
馬上覺得對不起爸爸媽媽浪費錢
於是奮發
所以這次的課上的很充實

常常覺得不知道前到底是交去哪
也沒什麼唸書
不像花枝他們整個變成音樂史大師
後來想想
這裡的老師每個都認真到不行
每學期都要吹一百個音樂會
每次的指揮都不一樣
我們這次吹馬勒
給benjamin zander 指
不知道他哪位沒關係因為我原本也不知道
總之他是個馬勒權威就對了
這種大師居然謙卑到一個不行
而且排練的時候居然叫的出大家的名字
我想不愛這首曲子都不行
因為他舉手投足都流露出他對能夠演奏這音樂的感恩
這裡的老師隨口都可以說出音樂家的小故事
而且讓你覺得這些歷史並不是離自己很遠的東西
即使是2nd ob, 3rd tb手上都有總譜
大家都是準備好的

我很難解釋周遭的人對我的影響
因為大家都把練樂團當作一回事
所以它成為重要的事情
不只是學生覺得它重要
指揮也重要

大家在這一天有一半的時間都是跟自己的主修樂器相處
練琴真的要用腦子練要不然跟殘障沒兩樣
就是要從這些拿我們學費當薪水的大師們學習
老派吧
但是真的是這樣
沒有人會規定你要認真要用腦
所以我想我的錢應該是用來買這個環境的吧
把我放在強者中
雖然常常覺得快被沖走常常覺得喘不過氣
但是我寧願喘不過氣也不要每天吹口哨散步就能應付

我真的不知道一個人的極限到底在哪裡
因為我長這麼大還沒有一天我能夠大聲的說
老娘就是已經很努力了你要怎樣
我想大家都是這樣的

真嚴肅
沒辦法
想到我老爸老媽快沒錢了我就無法不繃緊神經

還有各位親愛的朋友
暑假我提供代課服務
希望大家多多利用

掰掰
五月見

         So life after I moved generally got way better. Not having to live with those bitches basically gives me the reason to want to make everything better. So I did, and my music sounds better, practice goes better, my lessons are better, most importantly, I'm actually in a GOOD mood. And I actually feel HAPPY about going home after a long day at school.

         Lately I've been surprising myself with all these happy feelings. Like when I totally understand what the composer wants and when I'm totally confident I'm doing exactly what the composer wants in a piece. Or when I'm happy just to be playing with some people cause I feel this amazing energy that lets the music flows freely. It all sounds pretty impossible and even cheesy but these are the times when I feel really really happy about where I am and what I'm doing. I'm really blessed that NEC accepted me. Not like its a school for prodigy kids or super talented young musicians only or anything, just the fact that everyone's devoted and trying to make things happen. People are trying to make music happen inside them. I'm feeling it. I'm doing it, and I'm liking it. A whole lot.

        So everything else has to go right since my music is going right. I mean, music is the reason I'm here working my fat ass off. So if it's going right, I don't see why anything else wouldn't go right. Just when I'm convinced that I'm about to hit the road of a successful life by realizing my goal, I begin to get all these symptom from my body out of stress. It's always been bothering me how I don't react to stress psychologically but physically up until the last warning my body lets out. So this time it was flu, fever, cold sore and this shitty balding disaster. It's not like middle-aged men balding, it's the kind of balding you get from stress. I have this coin-sized balding area on my head, and well, it's not pretty.

       February is around the corner and that's a whole lot of pressure ahead. Or, let me just get rid of my negative energy by correcting myself. That means a whole lot of excitement. That's right, I'm dealing with 3 auditions and my recital. I'm feeling pretty confident so right now it doesn't look like things will be ugly. I'm having this peaceful and positive vibe towards what's ahead so it's looking good. Ms. Mom's coming this weekend and that feels really surreal. I'm like super super super thrilled about it. My stupid recital is for her!! So yeah, I'm gonna show her where all her money goes, not to the drain, hopefully.

      I'm just really in a positive vibe now. So I wanna keep being positive. That's the reason I'm writing this blog because I want to record my positive energy. Next time I feel screwed up I can come back and be like, dude, look at this, you were pretty fucking happy about your life. Honestly, I seriously felt content about how I was able to make the music I wanted. I felt like I wouldn't have been able to do this if I looked at things I did 6 months ago. Of course this applies to the improvement I made musically, and somehow to the bad experienced I was forced to face. This is a really personal realization that I don't know how to put in words. So if you're reading this, hopefully there is some tiny inspiration. I am not expecting anyone to be inspired, since I only want to remember how fucking awesome I feel now.